|
|||||
|
|
Cross-Cultural Worker Marriage Issues: I’m Marrying a National!Ronald Koteskey download this brochure as: a pdf | word doc
Dorothy Carey’s sister, Kitty, had agreed to help Dorothy with her children in India, but that did not last long.
A year and four days after she arrived in India, she married a man from her passport country, a man she had known for nine months. Though William Carey’s marriage to Dorothy was undesirable, he remarried soon after her death.
Five months after Dorothy’s death, William married a cross-cultural worker from Germany, a woman he had tutored in English eight years earlier while living in India. Just as singles do marry expats from their passport culture and expats from other cultures, they frequently marry nationals from their host culture. Such singles have usually lived in the culture for some time and have developed an understanding and appreciation of the host cultures even though they are quite different from their passport cultures. Though the couple realizes they are different because of their cultures, they are “sure” that their love will overcome any problems that arise because they are not from the same culture. Don’t opposites attract?People may initially be attracted to others who are different, but in long-term relationships, similarities are much more important. Differences may change from attractive, to tolerated, to annoying, to grating, to destroying a relationship. Understanding and appreciating a culture is quite different from internalizing it. It is easier to adjust to differences between families in the same culture than it is to adjust to the deeply held values found in different cultures. Differences that complement each other, such as one person being talkative and the other a listener, are relatively easy to adjust to. However, deeper cultural values, such as male vs. female roles or honesty vs. saving-face may be very difficult to live with. The single woman may be attracted to the macho male in her host culture but may not like the way he treats her after marriage. The single man may be attracted to the way the woman in his host culture avoids hurting anyone but may not like her lying to him to do so after marriage. What does the Bible say?The Old Testament forbids cross-cultural marriages for the Israelites.
These prohibitions were for religious reasons, deeply held cultural values. The reasons given were that intermarriage would result in people changing their concepts of and relationships with God and with false gods.
Of course, when marrying a national, people may say that they are both Christians. However, maintaining a marriage relationship when the couple has disagreements between deep cultural values of any kind is often very difficult. Marrying a national is not sinful, but it makes marriage more difficult. People may be very unhappy in such a marriage and be tempted to look for companionship outside the marriage. What problems may occur?Would any of the following disturb either you or your spouse-to-be? Since at least one of you will have to live in a host culture, that one will probably experience some, if not all, of the following.
What can we do?Five things are absolutely necessary.
Are men and women alike?Men marry national women and women marry national men, just as was the case in the OT cross-cultural marriages. Member care providers have observed that men tend to be more satisfied with their cross-cultural marriage than are women. This may be a result of the roles women are expected to play, especially if they live in their husband’s culture. Here are examples.
What about TCKs?Notable exceptions to women not being as satisfied in cross-cultural marriages are Third Culture Kids (TCKs), especially those who have grown up in their husband’s culture. If the woman has internalized parts of that culture, she may be comfortable with women’s roles there—perhaps more comfortable than with roles in her passport culture. The same is true of female TCKs who grew up in cultures similar to their husbands’. For example, a woman who grew up in one tribe in an African culture may be happy with a similar role expected of her in another African culture. Similarly, one who grew up in one Latin country may be happy in similar Latin American countries. ConclusionCross-cultural marriage adjustments often are more difficult than those in which both husband and wife are from the same culture. These marriages have an extra level of differences to work through.
This does not mean it cannot be done, only that it is more difficult, often much more difficult. The cultural assumptions are much more central to our persons than people may expect. Even more disconcerting are times when previously agreed upon items change.
Cross-cultural marriages are difficult, but not impossible. Two people more interested in giving than in receiving are able to make them work. Just be prepared to be the one who gives. Ronald Koteskey is Member Care Consultant GO International |
||||
|
return to the top of this page home | what cross cultural workers ought to know series | stewardship of self series | ebooks | links | about us Mental Health Resources
for Cross Cultural Workers |
|||||
Living as a single person without adequate social support in another culture
can be very lonely. It is common for people to marry someone they meet while
serving in their host culture, and it has been so for many years.