 Cross-Cultural
Worker Marriage Issues: What about Charlotte?
Ronald Koteskey
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We began by asking, “What about Dorothy?” Let us end by asking, “What
about Charlotte?” Dorothy was William Carey’s first wife, and Charlotte
was his second. Not only were the two ladies very different but also both
William and the agency which sent them had changed.
November 27, 1800, seven years before Dorothy died, William wrote to a
friend, “I was last evening employed in teaching the English language to a
German lady who I hope professes the grace of God. She…has been instructed
in the school of affliction. Came last year into this country for her
health not having been able to speak or stand for some years. Her speech
is restored, and she can walk a little. Her name is Rumohr. I trust
she has met with some good to her soul in this place.”
William went from being Charlotte Rumohr’s language tutor to being her
pastor. Not understanding the existence of denominations within
Christianity, the Governor-General in India wrote about William marrying a
Danish countess “whom he had converted from a Christian to a Baptist” by “very
near drowning her in the ceremony of baptism…performed by that sect.”
January 20, 1808, in a letter telling his sisters that Dorothy had died (38
days earlier), William said, “I am well aware that there is a degree of
indelicacy in mentioning so early my design to marry again after a proper time…I
shall inform you that I do intend, after some months to marry Miss Rumohr.
I have proposed the matter to her and she has testified her agreement thereto.
She is one of the most pious and conscientious persons with whom I am
acquainted…and it is in consequence of a wish she expressed, that I communicate
my intention to you so early.”
William’s steps toward remarriage so soon were, at first, shocking to other
cross-cultural workers there in India. However, those cross-cultural
workers soon realized that William and Dorothy had little emotional attachment
during the twelve years of her mental illness. Initial objections soon
faded and approval took their place. William and Charlotte married May 8,
1808. This marriage was quite different from his marriage to Dorothy.
Charlotte was different.
Dorothy did not want to be a cross-cultural worker, but Charlotte had come to
India by choice as she looked for something that would cure her physical
problems. She was well off financially and could have returned to Europe
but had chosen to stay in India. In fact, immediately after their marriage
she deeded her house to the agency and the rent from it was used to support
national pastors.
Dorothy could not read, but Charlotte read widely, often able to read books
in their original because she knew Danish, French, and Italian before coming to
India. Then, as noted earlier, while in India she learned English to
worship with other cross-cultural workers. Finally she learned Bengali so
she could better minister to nationals.
Dorothy could not write, but Charlotte wrote courtly love letters to William.
I thank thee most affectionately, my dearest love, for thy kind letter.
Though the journey is very useful to me, I cannot help feeling much to be so
distant from you, but I am much with you in my thoughts. I felt very much
affected in parting with thee. I see plainly I would not do to go far from
you; my heart cleaves to you. I shall greatly rejoice, my love, in seeing thee
again, but take care of your health that I may find you well. I need not
say how much you are in my thoughts day and night.
In her mentally ill state Dorothy opposed William’s ministry, but Charlotte
joined William in ministry. She wanted to be a “mother” to the national
families and the education of the Hindu girls was her particular interest.
Since they had so many common interests, Charlotte and William built a loving
relationship in just a few years—and William realized it.
In a letter dated March 11, 1812, less than four years after their marriage,
William wrote, “I have a very affectionate and pious wife, whose mind is highly
cultivated by education and extensive reading.” How different Charlotte
was from Dorothy in so many respects!
William had changed.
After Charlotte passed away, William wrote about their marriage saying that
they had “enjoyed the most entire oneness of mind” and concealed nothing from
each other. They “prayed and conversed together… without the least
reserve…and enjoyed a degree of conjugal happiness while thus continued to each
other.”
On January 24, 1814, shortly after Jabez married, William wrote a father-son
letter to him. In it he said, “You are now married. Be not content
to bear yourself toward your wife with propriety, but let love be the spring of
all your conduct. Esteem her highly that she may highly esteem you.
The first impressions of love arising from form or beauty will soon wear off,
but the trust arising from character will endure and increase.”
Charlotte died on May 30, 1821. Writing to friends about her death
William said it was “the greatest domestic loss that a man can sustain.”
Writing to his sisters months later, February 16, 1822, William said, “I am
lonely and frequently very unhappy. My house becomes a wilderness
and the gloom of having no one to whom I can communicate my feelings is very
great.” How different from the letter to his sisters after Dorothy’s
death—a letter in which he announced that he was going to marry Charlotte.
The agency had changed.
Andrew, the representative of the agency, who was so relieved when Dorothy
finally joined William (under duress) to go to India, wrote quite a different
letter several years later. After evaluating the Read family and
concluding that although Mr. Read was acceptable, the family would not be
allowed to serve. Writing to William September 7, 1797, Andrew said, “His
wife and daughter are not willing….but the unwillingness of his wife, and the
consideration that she had formerly been in a very unhappy state of mind…were at
present an absolute bar.” How different from his reaction to William
and Dorothy’s going!
May 1, 1799, in a letter to a pastor, Andrew wrote that a Mr. Brundson had
married a Miss Irons “who is willing to go with him.” However, he went on
to say that he was not so sure about whether or not the wives of two other
candidates were willing to go. The willingness of the spouse had become a
pivotal point in deciding whether or not to accept a family. Apparently
Dorothy’s sacrifice had brought about changes that have lasted for more than two
centuries, changes that have prevented others from experiencing the same
distress.
What about cross-cultural worker marriages today?
As in the time of the Careys, living in another culture today places much
additional stress on marriage. As then, the effect of that stress on the
marriage depends on the husband, the wife, and the agency.
In Andrew’s remarks noted above, one can see that the Baptist Cross-cultural
worker Society began to screen for marriage and family issues even before
Dorothy’s death. About the turn of the century the Wesleyan Cross-cultural
worker Society began producing a policy book that shows changes over the years.
In 1818 cross-cultural worker candidates were asked nothing about their
wives. In 1822 candidates had to answer whether they were going married or
single, whether or not their wives could be recommended on several criteria, and
whether or not her parents had given their consent. If a cross-cultural worker
returned to England to find a “suitable” wife, he could take up to a year before
returning to the field with his bride.
Today most agencies have even more specific policies about marriage and
family. Zealous candidates sometimes are just “sure” their marriages are
strong and want exceptions made for them to go. However, the stresses of
cross-cultural living take their toll today just as they did two hundred years
ago, and it is not wise to push for exceptions to such policies.
Though everyone probably has some reservations about serving in another
culture, husbands and wives must be sure that they have much in common, have
open communication, and that both really want to go. If that is not the
case, great difficulties still occur today.
Further reading about Dorothy and Charlotte
Few people knew much about Dorothy’s life other than that she was mentally
ill until James Beck published his book about her in 1992. His subtitle in
the reference below reflects that fact. His book is still the primary
source of information about her life.
Beck, J. R. (1992). Dorothy Carey: The Tragic and Untold Story of
Mrs. William Carey. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker.
Although little is known about Charlotte’s life, some information is
contained in Beck’s book above. Other details are in the biography of
William Carey written by George Smith in 1909 and available several places
online. The most information is in Chapter 8, “Family and Friends.”
http://www.biblebelievers.com/carey/index.html
http://www.ccel.org/ccel/smith_geo/carey/files/carey.html
http://www.wmcarey.edu/carey/gsmith/smith.htm
Ronald Koteskey is
Member Care Consultant
New Hope International Ministries
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