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Cross-Cultural Worker Singles Issues: MatchmakersRonald KoteskeyDownload this as a Word doc or as a pdf
Bill, also single, served with a different agency but attended the same church. A couple of weeks later the pastor suggested to him that he might want to date Junko. Rather than being grateful, Bill politely told the pastor to “mind his own business.” He had previously thought of asking Junko, but this “pressure” by the pastor made him change his mind. Why did Junko and Bill react so differently? The basic answer is that they were from different cultures, Junko from an Eastern one and Bill from a Western one. MatchmakersMatchmakers are usually defined as those who bring two unmarried individuals together in an attempt to promote a marriage. Traditionally these matchmakers may range anywhere from individuals who invite two people over for dinner, hoping that a romantic relationship will develop, to those who are certified matchmakers who make their living getting couples together. Today matchmakers also include internet dating services which attempt to match people on a variety of criteria. Such matchmakers may be appreciated and accepted or despised and rejected. A 1977 Webster’s Twentieth Century Dictionary defines matchmakers as those who arrange marriages but adds “or try to do so by scheming.” Such scheming matchmakers are often rejected with little consideration. Matchmakers in the BibleSeveral kinds of matchmakers appear in the pages of the first books of both the Old and New Testaments. People today often think that such marriages do not involve love, but many of them resulted in loving relationships.
Matchmakers since Bible TimesMany cultures before, during, and since Bible times have included matchmakers as one of the principal ways singles could meet each other. The roles of matchmakers varied widely across cultures. In some cultures most singles met their prospective spouses through matchmakers, so it was common throughout the culture. In other cultures only royalty or upper class people met through matchmakers. Such matchmaking continued for another 1800 years. However, as adolescence was being invented in Europe and North America, matchmaking there became less common. As individualism increased, the idea of having someone else (matchmaker), perhaps chosen by yet someone else (parents), choose one’s spouse became less and less popular. What was once common has become rather rare as two major changes occurred in Western culture during the last two centuries. The first change in the use of matchmakers took place in Europe and North America as Western culture invented adolescence. Simultaneous with gradually requiring everyone to live their teen years as singles, Western culture gradually eliminated the use of matchmakers. This change took place between 1850 and 1950. Fiddler on the Roof, long-running musical on Broadway and Academy Award-winning movie, is set in 1905 czarist Russia. It begins with the song “Tradition” followed by the song “Matchmaker.” In it a poor Jewish milkman struggles with the loss of tradition while his three oldest daughters struggle with what is left of it relative to matchmakers finding them husbands. Each of the three strong-willed teenagers’ choice of a husband moves further and further from the customs of their father’s faith. The second change is occurring now, a century later at the turn of the 21st century, but it is taking place more rapidly and is an increasing use of matchmakers of a different kind. Rather than parents finding a friend, relative, or professional matchmaker, singles who want to marry are increasingly turning to Internet dating services which match people for marriage. In fact, one such service has chosen to call itself Matchmaker.com. Using the New MatchmakersSingles who decide to use these new matchmakers, Internet dating services, need to do so carefully. In the American justice system people are assumed to be innocent until proven guilty. Internet dating needs to be viewed the opposite; assume people to be guilty until you have carefully determined that they are innocent. Do not assume that Christian workers are innocent. I was at staff meeting in a church when a new youth pastor wanted to use volunteers before they had attended the church for six months (church policy). He ended his plea saying, “They are seminary students, so they must be OK.” The pastor replied, “In the five years I have been here we have had three incidents, and all three perpetrators have been seminary students.” Here are some suggestions.
Elaborations on these suggestions and additional ones are available at match.com under “Online Dating Safety Tips.” Red FlagsWatch for these “red flags” that may indicate a predator or fraud. You may not consider these to be “red flags,” so if any happen, it would be best to ask a trusted friend if they may indicate a problem when a potential date…
Responses to Self-Appointed Matchmakers
Ronald Koteskey
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Junko had served cross-culturally for nearly three years. Knowing that her
parents disapproved of what she was doing, one Sunday after the service her
pastor told her that he would be glad to help her find a husband. She was
delighted and thanked him profusely. She wanted to marry but just did not know
how to go about finding a husband because her host culture did not seem to have
any way for her to find a mate.
Finally, here are some suggested ways to respond to people who take it upon
themselves to be matchmakers for you.